My Tantric Initiation

My Tantric initiation occurred at the ripe young age of 20.  It wasn’t at a Tantra retreat. It wasn’t thanks to the impeccable skills of a yogi who had been deep on the path for a lifetime.

It was thanks to plant medicine.

Yes, plant medicine. 

Ayahuasca and mushrooms to be precise.

I’ll start at the start.

The Santo Daime were offering 2 consecutive days of ceremonies at the squatted community centre where my Indian prince boyfriend lived, in East London back in the early 2000’s. The first day I felt nothing, even though the other 80 or so people had all kinds of wild stories to tell afterwards! So the 2nd day I took an extra cup.

I still felt nothing, and so left the group and went to my boyfriend’s room alone. I cried out of frustration of not feeling anything. I cried.. and cried.. and cried.. and finally realised I couldn’t be crying out of frustration of not feeling anything any more, for this was excessive! I was crying the tears that I’d never shed up until that point in my life. I had a deep and intensive cleansing of hundreds of tears that had never had the permission to flow.

Without realising at the time, this release cleared space within me. And through that space, something magical came.

The following day, someone in this community of around 25 urban nomads from around the world cooked up a large pot of mushroom chai! I drank a cup, and went to my boyfriend’s room briefly to pick something up. However, while there, I felt a strong sexual charge and decided to take a few moments to pleasure myself before returning to the group.

During these moments, my Indian prince boyfriend and closest girlfriend appeared. My first thought was “damn, I gotta stop!”. However, this was quickly replaced with a deep inner knowing that I had to propose a threesome to them!

Just to clarify, this was pretty out of the ordinary! While my boyfriend and I had an “open relationship”, we hadn’t yet had a threesome, and I’d never been involved sexually with any of my girlfriends.

Yet somehow I knew this had to happen. So I proposed it.

They both accepted!

I don’t need to go into much detail at this point.. until, hours later, when we were all lying still together having a breather.

I was on my back in the middle. The 2 of them were lying on their sides facing inwards towards each other. No-one was touching anyone.

I closed my eyes, and in my mind’s eye saw energy coming from each of their hearts, either side of me, and going upwards towards infinity and downwards towards infinity.

So the energy made a kind of diamond shape, with 2 points at their hearts to my sides, and up and down to infinity above and below me.

I was at the centre.

This vision, combined with the energy that was obviously at that point so free to flow through me, sent my body into an extended orgasmic ripples of bliss and ecstasy.  I imagine it must have been around 30 minutes of body writhing around in pure, orgasmic bliss.. with no physical touch whatsoever!!

When I finally returned to a somewhat normal state, I felt as thought I’d received the biggest gift from the universe possible! It was as though the universe made love to me. The energy of life itself made love to me, and sent me into a state far beyond what sex ever had.

For weeks after, I was flying high from this most beautiful (and apparently rare) present I’d received. 

No-one I spoke with had ever experienced such a thing.. and I couldn't find any references of other people experiencing what had happened. 

But I knew in every cell of my body that THIS was the potential of sexual energy.

Sexual energy isn’t just a nice clitoral orgasm.. a release of tension.. or even a nourishing sharing of intimacy with a beloved partner.

Sexual energy is a pathway to God. To ecstatic oneness within the whole.

This sent me on a path of trying to rediscover that state within me over the years that followed. What was generally spoken about with regards to sex didn’t scratch the surface.

Years later, with the rise of Tantra and the internet, more people are thankfully becoming aware of the incredible spiritual potential of sexual energy.

And yet, these kind of states are still somewhat rare, as there is so much shame, disconnection, trauma, repression, perversion and various physical and mental blocks around sexuality.

When we work through this within us, and return to a natural, healthy sexuality, our bodies’ inherent wisdom, movement and energy flow get restored and these kind of states are far more likely to happen.

I share this story now in the hope it serves as inspiration for what is possible for each one of us when we reclaim our bodies, our sexual energy and our sovereignty.

There is so much repression of sexual energy on the one hand, and perversion on the other.

What happens when we take sexual energy out of the shadows and reaffirm it in it’s rightful place.. that of the power to birth new life.. and also the power to birth new states of consciousness?

I believe it will lead us as a collective to birth whole new worlds.